Its my last day today, actually got up at 6am, amazing, and drove to pick u boxes from Marie; I walked out the door, and I could smell the sea, and that early morning Cardiff smell which is like no where else, got in my van, switched the radio on, it was the music to the start of the Chris Moyles show, and I burst into tears, and cried all the way there.
Got back, still in the dark and checked emials, and did some dyeing (the only thing not packed is my gohonzon (buddhist scroll i chant to) and my dyes, lol), at 7am in the morning, lol, how bizarre.
Felt completely and utterly gutted that I was leaving, and felt like part of my heart was shredded into peices. Then Rabab and lynette came round, and we chanted and then for a last breakfast to my fav greasy spoon on splott road, and now I feel much better, and very very exicted.
Cardiff feels more like my home than where I grew up now, the first time I visited, I drove past the university, and I knew in my heart that is where I would be coming and something special was going to happen here. And even though I didn't have enough grades, I just knew it would be ok. I wrote the psychology dept a letter and told them how much I wanted to do the course, and I got in!!
I thought that perhaps the special feeling was about the psychology course, but it wasn't, and I also thought maybe it was about meeting Anth and getting married but it wasn't that either, I am pretty sure that the special thing that cardiff had to teach me was to be true to myself.
If it doesn't feel right, don't do it!! It took a very long time to learn it though, and it only in the last 2.5 years I have consistently listened to that feeling in my belly, and well, my life has never been quite the same since, lol, and now I suppose I have learnt that lesson, its time to leave. Because I really believe I deserve to have an amazing life, which is scary, because I am used to struggling, and not liking myself very much, and spent most of my 20's feeling completely inadequate, and here is how is changed..........
One day about 4 years ago, I came back from my honeymoon to find someone sharing my office with me. I wasn't sure what to think, because I wasn't expecting it, and there was this pretty spanish girl sat next to me, and I was rather intimidated.
It just so happened, that we connected in such an incredible way, that she became my best freind in the whole world, and I had someone to talk to everyday, and share how I was feeling for the first time in 8 years, and it changed everything.
I had someone to reflect with about everything in my life, it was like the universe knew exactly what I needed, and I just started to grow and blossom, weirdly because it was like looking in a mirror, we are so so similar, and I could see her changing at the same time as me, so it was like watching myself.
Sometimes I feel like I had to be in Cardiff to meet Carmen, and I know that that was the special thing that I felt when I drove down that road that day when I first came, and she helped me to be true to myself. Which meant I had the courage to start my own business, and to change things and relationships that had to change, and my god, my life turned upside down, and she was there with me all the way.
And now I am the cheeky confident person I was always meant to be, and I am doing what I am good at, and although the past few years have been tough, because its a little bit like switching the engine off on a huge ship, you have to wait for it to stop moving forward before you can turn it around and its a slow process, and the last few years have been about turning my ship around, and having to battle against all the old causes I have made, but I feel like the front end is actually turning, and I am moving to a place where I am loved, cherished, and I am valued for all the cheekyness I can dish out, I am so so excited, and grateful to Carmen for helping me to make it happen, and to all my gorgeous buddhist freinds and Marie and ofcourse there are more, but too many to name them all.
So there, bit soppy I know, but feels like this is a bit of a momentous day, and I need to write something a bit philosophical to mark it.